A crusty old man walks into the local
Catholic church and says to a Nun, "I
would like to join this damn church."
The astonished Sister replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The Nun leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of
her situation. The priest agrees that the Sister does not have to listen to
that foul language.
They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in
the lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this
damn money."
"I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?
Submitted by
Don Fisher
Liu Bolin ~ The
Invisible Man
This guy paints himself.
He uses no trick photography;
He just paints himself.
The last picture is amazing!
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A crusty old man walks into the local
Catholic church and says to a Nun, "I
would like to join this damn church."
The astonished Sister replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The Nun leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of
her situation. The priest agrees that the Sister does not have to listen to
that foul language.
They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in
the lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this
damn money."
"I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?
Getting
Old.
Submitted by Pete &
Lyn.
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The
following
questions
were set in
last year's
GED
examination
These are
genuine
answers
(from 16
year
olds)............and
they WILL
breed.
Q. Name the
four seasons.
A. Salt,
pepper,
mustard and
vinegar.
Q. How is
dew formed?
A. The sun
shines down
on the
leaves and
makes them
perspire.
Q. What
causes the
tides in the
oceans?
A. The tides
are a fight
between the
earth and
the moon.
All water
tends to
flow towards
the moon,
because
there is no
water on the
moon, and
nature
abhors a
vacuum. I
forget where
the sun
joins the
fight.
Q. In a
democratic
society, how
important
are
elections?
A. Very
important.
Sex can only
happen when
a male gets
an election.
Q. What are
steroids?
A. Things
for keeping
carpets
still on the
stairs.
(Shoot
yourself now
, there is
little hope).
Q. Name a
major
disease
associated
with
cigarettes.
A. Premature
death.
Q. What is
artificial
insemination?
A. When the
farmer does
it to the
bull instead
of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but
brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had
a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness.
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)
Workers build a footpath around the
vertiginous slopes of Shifou Mountain in China.
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Working people frequently ask
retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Gail my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a*sehole”
. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn out tires.
So Gail called him a “sh*t head”.
He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
Submitted
by Don Fisher.
Name the Pictures Submitted
by Don Fisher.
These are pretty
clever. Don't rush. Study each picture and try to determine what it
represents.
Answers
at bottom of page.
01
02
03
04
05
06
07
08
A woman was
enjoying a good game of golf with her
girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly
exclaimed. "Look at the time!
I have to
rush home
and fix
dinner for
my husband!
He'll be so
pissed off
if it's not
ready on
time."
When she got home,
she discovered all she had
in the fridge was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg, and a
tin of cat food. With no
time to go to the
supermarket, she opened the
can of cat food, stirred in
the egg, and garnished it
with the lettuce leaf.
She
greeted her husband warmly when he came
home, and then watched in horror as he sat
down to his dinner. To her surprise, he
seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is
the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of
marriage! You can make this for me any day?"
Needless to say, every
golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the
same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and
they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill
him!" they exclaimed!?
Two months later, her
husband died. The women were sitting around the
clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We
told you that feeding him that cat food every week would
do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly
knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically
replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windows
sill while he was licking his a*se."
Submitted
by Don Fisher.
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a
taxi at a Cab Rank.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made
no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be
proper, where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing
then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is
this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
Submitted
by Don Fisher.
How do you know when it is time to
"hang up the car keys"?
I say when your dog has this look on his face!
A picture is worth a thousand words!
Submitted
by Don Fisher.
Submitted
by Don Fisher
I wondered why the baseball
was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare
center where a three year old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy
whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take
debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at
large.
* A thief who stole a calendar
got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He
became a hardened
criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be
charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they
always multiply.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on
it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could
jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? It's a dead
giveaway
* A bicycle can't stand alone;
it is two tired.
* Time flies like an arrow;
fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in
feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get
repossessed.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll
show you A flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint
mine.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory
which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their
britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you've seen one shopping
center you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands
of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Submitted
by Don Fisher
IT CAN BE HARD
KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
Submitted by Jan McManus
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you joking?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:&nb sp; Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_____________ ____________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising
law.
Why
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www.bowlinginspain.com? Where appropriate, please
accompany the report with photos. All items included
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