Working people frequently ask
retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Gail my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a*sehole”
. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Gail called him a “sh*t head”.
He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
Submitted
by Don Fisher.
Name the Pictures -Submitted
by Don Fisher.
These are pretty
clever. Don't rush. Study each picture and try to determine what it
represents.
Answers
at bottom of page.
01
02
03
04
05
06
07
08
A woman was
enjoying a good game of golf with her
girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly
exclaimed. "Look at the time!
I have to
rush home
and fix
dinner for
my husband!
He'll be so
pissed off
if it's not
ready on
time."
When she got home,
she discovered all she had
in the fridge was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg, and a
tin of cat food. With no
time to go to the
supermarket, she opened the
can of cat food, stirred in
the egg, and garnished it
with the lettuce leaf.
She
greeted her husband warmly when he came
home, and then watched in horror as he sat
down to his dinner. To her surprise, he
seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is
the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of
marriage! You can make this for me any day?"
Needless to say, every
golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the
same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and
they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill
him!" they exclaimed!?
Two months later, her
husband died. The women were sitting around the
clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We
told you that feeding him that cat food every week would
do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly
knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically
replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windows
sill while he was licking his a*se."
Submitted
by Don Fisher.
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a
taxi at a Cab Rank.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made
no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be
proper, where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing
then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is
this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
Submitted
by Don Fisher.
How do you know when it is time to
"hang up the car keys"?
I say when your dog has this look on his face!
A picture is worth a thousand words!
Submitted
by Don Fisher.
Submitted
by Don Fisher
I wondered why the baseball
was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare
center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy
whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take
debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at
large.
* A thief who stole a calendar
got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He
became a hardened
criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be
charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they
always multiply.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on
it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could
jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? It's a dead
giveaway
* A bicycle can't stand alone;
it is two-tired.
* Time flies like an arrow;
fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in
feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get
repossessed.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll
show you A-flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint
mine.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory
which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their
britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you've seen one shopping
center you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands
of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Submitted
by Don Fisher
IT CAN BE HARD
KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
Submitted by Jan McManus
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you joking?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:&nb sp; Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_____________ ____________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising
law.
Submitted
by Don Fisher
PARAPROSDOKIANS. I had to look up
"paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;
frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where
there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type
of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an
idiot. He will drag you down
to his level and beat you
with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on my list.
3.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I
agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never
really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does
not determine who is right - only who is left.
7.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
8. Evening
news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal
ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus
station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I
thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case
of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I
didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women
will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind
every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful
man is usually another woman.
16. A clear
conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked
God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do
not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
19. Money
can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's
a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't
get away.
21. I used
to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're
never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be
sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.
24.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change
is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going
to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.
27. A
diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that
you look forward to the trip.
28.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish
they were.
29. I
always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a
shot of tequila.
30. When
tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.
Words of
Wisdom "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese."
Breakfast - submitted by John
Munslow She was
standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she
normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the
moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on
the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Photo on the Night Stand - Submitted by Jan McManus
After a long
night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the
bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.
'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'...
One day, a man came home
and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,'
she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and
went golfing.
A woman came home,
screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She
slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your
bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Marriage is a relationship
in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to
the DMV to apply for a driver's licence. First, of course, he had to
take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy
replied, 'That's my cousin!.'
Mother Superior called all
the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We
have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly
nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
Just a little
something to keep your mind active: Submitted
by Phil Coates
LATERAL THINKING OR
THINKING OUTSIDE OF THE BOX Check out your lateral
thinking power! The first 4 images are
the questions and the answers are given at the end. Please do not look at
the answers first, these are really good, try it out.
Question 1
Question 2
Question 3
Question 4
*
*
*
*
ANSWERS
*
1. The last person took the basket with the egg in it.
*
2. All the other card players were women.
*
3. Pour the juice from the second glass into the fifth.
*
4. The recluse was a lighthouse keeper.
HOW
WAS YOUR LATERAL THINKING?
Name the
Pictures - Answers. 01: Eggplant, 02: Doctor pepper, 03: Pool Table, 04: Tap
Dancers, 05: Card Shark, 06: I Pod, 07: Nightmare, 08: Light Beer.
Why
not email your Spanish regional championships report and items of special interest to
www.bowlinginspain.com? Where appropriate, please
accompany the report with photos. All items included
on www.bowlinginspain.com will be submitted to BOWLS INTERNATIONAL magazine.
